The New War: Tent Caterpillars vs. Union College

There are many problems that have recently popped up on our campus, and one of these issues is the influx of not-so-well-meaning caterpillars. They have been known to belay themselves from the branches of trees like ninjas on crack with the intention of making that annoying girl from your English class squeal like that rabbit that got carried away by the massive hawk last week. Many students have expressed concern as to the amount of caterpillars and their disruption of what was once a tranquil, relaxing run to class 15 minutes late spilling Starbucks coffee everywhere and cussing at the old lady in front of you who refuses to move her wrinkly ass any faster. Quite frankly, the students and faculty hate these caterpillars. “I harbor a lot of resentment and anger toward the tent caterpillars who have taken to the deforestation of our sugar maples and other deciduous trees,” said young Mallory Homes, a sophomore math major. While she may have just had a bad experience with caterpillars (maybe because I put one in her cereal yesterday morning), she has pretty much spoken for all of us. Students here are wondering what the administration is going to do about this infestation. Efforts by the students to reduce the amount of caterpillars on campus have included, but are not limited to, fumigation via smoking in Jackson’s Garden, and high-pitched noise via screaming about how good the sex was with your last boyfriend as you drunkenly tap-danced beneath my window last Saturday night. Much to our dismay, however, none of these actions have yielded results, and students are still not satisfied with the number of caterpillars still maliciously spinning their webs. Rest assured, Union College, for efforts to contain the caterpillar population have begun! There was a guy spraying a tree with insecticide in front of the Social Sciences building last week. So we obviously have nothing to worry abou